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The Holidays In IceLand

11/18/2017

In my experience, as a mental health professional, the holidays are such a contradictory time. The joy and anticipation of the happiest time of the year is jumbled up with the ending of another year of life along with the speeding train that hits many people who are dealing with traumatic memories and loss. This is also compounded exponentially with relationships that are marked by regret, lack of connection, guilt, unhealed wounds, and broken trust. The list of reasons for distancing in a family stretches longer as each day passes. Especially when there is no possibility of forgiveness.

When one partner is locked in the pain of not being able to move forward into forgiveness, the ability to improve or save the relationship is beyond reach. So often, past hurts are held onto so tightly, that even when the other person in the relationship is trying desperately to work on themselves and promote growth and change, the other person is in a state of self protective lock-down.

I call this living in IceLand. That’s what it feels like—a cold, comfortless place. There is no repair possible in IceLand. It is only fault finding, blaming, and reliving past offenses. Let me be clear…if someone has hurt their partner, they should be accountable. However, if they are trying to change themselves and show a level of remorse and desire to work to earn trust, the salvation of the relationship is only possible if the other person makes a step forward into a new definition of the relationship. This involves acknowledging effort, even in the face of hurt and fear of being disappointed. It doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t have to earn trust. Work to earn trust. Work DAMN HARD to earn trust. However, if the relationship has a hope of improving, the efforts of the people involved must at least be acknowledged. To be seen so they may gradually build positive regard. If the wall of past offenses is held as more of a reality than the current efforts toward change, than the relationship will not progress.

You can choose to live in IceLand. It may not seem like a choice. The reality is that it is. If there is a desire to save the relationship but there is no effort to allow the changes of the seasonal progression of spring to melt the ice, you will be like Superman in his polar retreat in the Superman movies—locked in your ice fortress alone and isolated.

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The Winds of Change

11/8/2016

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It’s election night. Am I a political person? I would say, “no.” Do I want a strong leader that can lead our country to greatness and help me to maybe believe again that money and power are not the only things that motivate? That the lives of our children and the American Dream of the small business owner that can live with dignity and provide for their children’s futures and is supported and protected by the elected officials is a realistic dream? Do I see that for our future right now? I sadly say I’m doubtful. Lies that are veiled as “promises” are spoken by our proposed leaders as fluidly and easily as water slips down my throat after a hard workout. They are not nearly as satisfying at resolving the thirst for a more idealistic nation. Ugh.

But, as I’m sitting here, I’m thinking about change. This is a night of change. Is it good? Some things come to mind as I sit here and consider the future of the next four years. This, to me, is life in its essence. There are many events that bring change and can feel like they break us down. If that isn’t the end, then we want to rebuild stronger. Change is scary, but the truth is that it also brings with it a new hope and ability for growth.

Makes me think of a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh I saw recently:

"Impermanence and selflessness are not negative aspects of life, but the very foundations on which life is built. Impermanence is the constant transformation of things. Without impermanence, there can be no life. Selflessness is the interdependent nature of all things. Without interdependence, nothing could exist."

Impermanence, selflessness, interdependence. Do these determine the result, consequence, outcome of change? It would seem so. I have walked a personal path that personifies these terms. Life for me has demonstrated impermanence. The acceptance of impermanence is a step toward either fear or hope. The choice is ours. Selflessness is the factor that moves the needle more toward hope than fear. Even in the midst of something that looks scary and negative, the presence of selflessness produces a shift that is more powerful than oppression, greed, or prejudice. When I think about what comes next for our country, I move away from pessimism and fear and more toward how I can be part of the solution and work in unison with the people that I love to overcome=interdependence. We are the winds of change. Not the other way around. To quote the Scorpions and their song the Winds of Change:

The future's in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change

Walking down the street
Distant memories
Are buried in the past forever

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When Everything Changes, Nothing Will Ever Be the Same: The Stanford Rape Case

6/14/2016

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Over the last week, the headlines have been dominated by tragedy. Very few of us have not contemplated the series of events involving a swimming star at a prestigious university and how his actions forever changed the life of a young woman that he raped behind a dumpster while she was unconscious. This is a story of a young woman who, over the course of a 12 page letter to her attacker, outlines how it has changed her life and, ultimately, the lives of everyone who learns of her story. Parents are using her letter to have “teachable moments” with their sons and daughters so they may learn how to respect human life as well as hopefully try to understand the dangers of such situations. I want to write a series on intimacy within a couple. My first offering is looking at how trauma impacts intimacy.

In her letter, the young survivor says “My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.“ What she refers to is her ability to no longer be silent and suffer with these losses that came from the trauma. The truth is, as I’ve worked in my field, there is a plethora of trauma that people go through while they are trying to live. So much childhood abuse. Both of male and female survivors. The abuse takes many forms: rape, promiscuity to feel loved, being used and tossed aside. Growing within the person a need to numb and dissociate. With trauma—sexual trauma—love and sex become difficult to put in the same category. Trust and vulnerability cease to organically reside in a sexually intimate relationship when trauma has carved out a hole in someone’s soul. Extreme pain, fear, shame, worthlessness are like a disease that eats away at the desire to heal. Sex is either objectified or avoided. The young survivor from the Stanford rape case so eloquently expresses how the intimacy of sex becomes impossible to feel "at one with" any longer.

The truth is, intimacy is a tricky enough dance to begin with in our day and age. Divorce is almost an expected part of marriage? Maybe that’s an unfair statement. Maybe it’s not? Maybe it’s not. Here’s the tip of the iceberg—even if a couple is not challenged by past trauma, the chasm between the intimacy needs of the differing genders is expansive enough. Huge generalizations, I know, but here’s what is usually seen in my experience of couples’ work. In a relationship, it seems men want physical closeness or sexual intimacy to feel the safety and connection to their partner to then become emotionally vulnerable. Women typically come from the polar opposite. If a woman feels she carries emotional value to her partner through his attentiveness and emotional connectivity, physical intimacy then grows. Chicken, egg, egg, chicken. Complete frustration if the balance spirals out of whack, which it definitely will. Pile on top of that delicate, fragile recipe for intimacy the wounds and scars of trauma. It creates a frenzied “bob and weave” like Ali and Frazier in the ring. Keep your guard up, otherwise you’ll get knocked out.

What will the young woman that was raped a year ago at a Stanford party do after being traumatized? She expressed it so well. She has already started. When she said that her rapist took her voice “until today,” referring to the losses that came with her trauma, she was giving a clue to the cure—that only a survivor can understand. Healing comes with your truth. Intimacy is built in a couple with transparency and acceptance. None of us leave this earth without trauma. However, in a relationship, trauma is not a wall unless we feel we need to hide. She chose not to hide. She is a hero, in my opinion. The courage to speak your truth, face your pain, heal your soul.

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Oh H#LL!! I hate this! It’s going to be one of THOSE weekends…again.

5/16/2016

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Everyone is working for the weekend. BAM! You’re off and running with just getting on each other’s last nerve. How does that happen? We wait all week for some fun outdoors, time with the kids, and maybe enough energy for sex. But, what happens when Friday night or first thing Saturday morning you’re at each other’s hide. What the heck? Why did we get married again?

The confusion and ongoing tension causes a type of unbalanced energy. Repair attempts fall flat. Going to bed is awkward with the tension between the two of you. The kids feel it. It’s hard on them too. Ugh—what a waste of the time that is supposed to be used to recharge us for the stress of the upcoming week. The outside world is threatening enough. The truth is, we need each other, because if we don’t have each others’ backs, who will? But, whatever the initial hurt or trigger, it happened. And, it was bad enough to thwart attempts at apologies or reasoning with the response of silence that is deafening. Ugh! The silence. Don’t you hate that? Finally, there’s a little crack in the stone wall. Too bad it’s at the end of the weekend. What a waste.

But, is it? What can we learn? Is there just the moving on from the war zone, or can I actually sort through the rubble to find out if there are any signs of life to salvage. Okay. If I re-approach this with you, can we talk about it to learn and not to pick sides of right and wrong again? Can we agree to do that? But, if you can’t do it, It doesn’t have to be up to you. I can take responsibility for MY side of things and look at it for myself.

What I can honestly say I learned from this last failed weekend is that when I’m lying in bed, feeling the tension and anger, there’s also some sadness there. I wish I could hold you, I wish you would just turn over and kiss me and we could enjoy each other from that point forward. I learned that even when I’m mad at you, I still love you. The reason it hurts under the anger is because I feel misunderstood and injured that you won’t just slide me some slack. Grant me some grace. Give me some benefit of the doubt. Then, we can start talking and get somewhere. But, what I’ve learned, is if you can’t do it for me, I think I can do it for you. What you’ve told me is that I’ve taught you things throughout our relationship. So, in this time of sorting through the rubble, I will prepare you for the next battle. I will share with you these thoughts in a moment where there isn’t the intensity of anger. A moment of more emotional calm than in the heat of the battle. I’ll give you the answer key ahead of the test so we can be better equipped for the next battle.

Here it is: When you’re angry with me, I will try to remind you that we still love each other. We may not agree on whatever we are hurt over, but we do still love each other. Through the anger and hurt, I will look at you through the eyes of someone that loves you. Then, I will be able to more freely grant you grace when we’re frustrated with life. Then, maybe we can be transported to the same side of the fence, rather than becoming the “bad neighbors” we hear about who get so crazy that they fling the dog poop back and forth over the fence to prove a point—flinging hurtful “one ups” back and forth to prove we’re “right.” I don’t ever MEAN to hurt you. And, for every moment that we stay bad neighbors, we choose to gradually undermine, weaken, and ultimately destroy our marriage. What I realize is that it is my time to stop trying to make you see, and really focus on seeing you. If I stand on the belief that we are actually invested in each other’s wellness, I can see you clearer. We actually want the same things—our own definitions of wellness, happiness, contentment. Making the most of the days we have on this earth. In that moment, I can let go of the struggle long enough to appreciate you as my life partner. In that moment, I know why we got married. The details of the argument matter less than the learning that comes from the battle.

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Having Everything--Dying Alone

4/24/2016

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Prince is dead. He was an influential part of my youth. The first time I saw Purple Rain was during a time in my life that was difficult. I was just a 13 year old from sheltered home. The movie spoke to me. The music, the story line, the charisma of a hugely talented, sexually charged artist. I was spell bound. I was lucky enough to see him in concert once. Something I can say I was lucky enough to check off my “bucket list.”

As we grow older and our lives take on important aspects of focus (kids, marriage, profession) those things of childhood become a symbol of a certain chapter of our life. On April 21, 2016 something happened that shook me harder than I thought it would. When Prince died so suddenly, I didn’t expect to have it rock me the way it did. But, it wasn’t because of those things of childhood. It was`because of what I learned along the way to where I presently am in my life. As I was reading about his life’s story as it’s told in the media—marriages, relationships, family dysfunction, massive wealth, huge levels of professional influence, profound respect by so many important people, philanthropy—it’s shocking that he died alone. He died alone in an elevator in a huge mansion that the media reported he also lived in alone. Shock, awe... sadness.

The stories relayed many wild affairs in his youth with many beautiful, charismatic women. Falling in love a small handful of times to where he either became engaged or married. All ending. Every one of them. How can someone have the world and all the most amazing things that it has to offer, and die alone? It’s also reported that he has no wife or children to leave his massive fortune to, so it may end up going to his sister. Apparently not because they were close and he chose to bequeath it to her. But, because there was no one that had become his life partner.

It brought to mind a lesson I learned early in life. The rawest emotion I observed in a family member when her husband died was that she loved him so much that the pain of having to go on without him was too much to bear. That, the one thing she wanted was just one more day with her beloved. Working with couples, I see so many people that can't bear to still live in the same house together. They resent each other, and just want to get away from each other. I feel, in my heart, that one of the most bittersweet things we can hope for when we are in a committed relationship is that we will deeply, deeply mourn our soul mate. That if we've done it right, we will have to part from one another with the only wish being "to have one more day.” I want to get it right in this lifetime. I don’t want to die alone.

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Meat Loaf Explains Relationships

4/5/2016

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When I was about 8 years old, I remember spending summers with our cousins. They had a “cool dad” that listened to music that was really considered rebellion rock music. Billy Joel, Meat Loaf, ACDC. My two older brothers (whom I totally idolized) were really mesmerized by this new style of music. When we went to Woolworth’s to spend our Christmas money, they convinced me to use my money to buy the new ACDC album “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” Those days were different. You couldn’t prescreen an album on YouTube. You had to buy the album of an artist based on more of a type of faith. Faith that you’d like the rest of the album. That being said, my brothers and I had no idea what was on that album. My mother heard the song “Big Balls” while my brothers were playing it on my little plastic turntable in my room. She was SO MAD! And, completely HORRIFIED! We immediately packed the record back up and took it to Woolworth’s. I believe the clerk was left with a clear understanding of why my mother was returning the record…

Those musical tastes were really embraced by my older brothers and myself. However, I have a favorite of them all. I still really like Meat Loaf. There is one song that is my favorite. “Paradise By the Dashboard Light” always drives me to another emotional place when I hear it (car pun intended). This song resonates with me because it’s so relevant to the stories of many of the people with which we work. The passion and excitement of new love. So driven by sexual exploration—enough to drive you to the highest highs and the lowest lows. But, the highs are worth it. Being willing to do almost anything in the midst of those passionate highs. Even committing to the rest of your life? What happens when real life hits? As Meat Loaf so relateably puts it “I never break my promise or forget my vows but God only knows what I can do right now. I’m praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you.”

Is that what it all comes down to? You end up not being able to stand each other to the point that you can't wait to get away from each other? How about those couples that would give anything for one more day together when one of them dies? Does that exist? YES, it does! How do you create it? It’s important to know how to be a person invested in understanding yourself and being committed to self awareness so you can become transparent to your partner. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t share who you really are with your partner. It goes both ways for the two of you. There is nothing more important. You can blame each other for all of the things missing from your marriage. The truth is, there was a time when you felt you loved each other and there was no one more exciting to you than your “amore.” Again, to quote Meat Loaf, he ends his masterpiece with the line "It was long ago and it was far away and it was so much better than it is today.” Can you get that “ so much better ” feeling back again? Steve and I believe you can. What do you have to lose by not trying? Self discovery? Personal growth? Understanding of your path? Your relationship..

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The Holidays In IceLand

The Winds of Change

When Everything Changes, Nothing Will Ever Be the Same: The Stanford Rape Case

Oh H#LL!! I hate this! It’s going to be one of THOSE weekends…again.

Having Everything--Dying Alone

Meat Loaf Explains Relationships

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