Everyone is working for the weekend. BAM! You’re off and running with just getting on each other’s last nerve. How does that happen? We wait all week for some fun outdoors, time with the kids, and maybe enough energy for sex. But, what happens when Friday night or first thing Saturday morning you’re at each other’s hide. What the heck? Why did we get married again?
The confusion and ongoing tension causes a type of unbalanced energy. Repair attempts fall flat. Going to bed is awkward with the tension between the two of you. The kids feel it. It’s hard on them too. Ugh—what a waste of the time that is supposed to be used to recharge us for the stress of the upcoming week. The outside world is threatening enough. The truth is, we need each other, because if we don’t have each others’ backs, who will? But, whatever the initial hurt or trigger, it happened. And, it was bad enough to thwart attempts at apologies or reasoning with the response of silence that is deafening. Ugh! The silence. Don’t you hate that? Finally, there’s a little crack in the stone wall. Too bad it’s at the end of the weekend. What a waste.
But, is it? What can we learn? Is there just the moving on from the war zone, or can I actually sort through the rubble to find out if there are any signs of life to salvage. Okay. If I re-approach this with you, can we talk about it to learn and not to pick sides of right and wrong again? Can we agree to do that? But, if you can’t do it, It doesn’t have to be up to you. I can take responsibility for MY side of things and look at it for myself.
What I can honestly say I learned from this last failed weekend is that when I’m lying in bed, feeling the tension and anger, there’s also some sadness there. I wish I could hold you, I wish you would just turn over and kiss me and we could enjoy each other from that point forward. I learned that even when I’m mad at you, I still love you. The reason it hurts under the anger is because I feel misunderstood and injured that you won’t just slide me some slack. Grant me some grace. Give me some benefit of the doubt. Then, we can start talking and get somewhere. But, what I’ve learned, is if you can’t do it for me, I think I can do it for you. What you’ve told me is that I’ve taught you things throughout our relationship. So, in this time of sorting through the rubble, I will prepare you for the next battle. I will share with you these thoughts in a moment where there isn’t the intensity of anger. A moment of more emotional calm than in the heat of the battle. I’ll give you the answer key ahead of the test so we can be better equipped for the next battle.
Here it is: When you’re angry with me, I will try to remind you that we still love each other. We may not agree on whatever we are hurt over, but we do still love each other. Through the anger and hurt, I will look at you through the eyes of someone that loves you. Then, I will be able to more freely grant you grace when we’re frustrated with life. Then, maybe we can be transported to the same side of the fence, rather than becoming the “bad neighbors” we hear about who get so crazy that they fling the dog poop back and forth over the fence to prove a point—flinging hurtful “one ups” back and forth to prove we’re “right.” I don’t ever MEAN to hurt you. And, for every moment that we stay bad neighbors, we choose to gradually undermine, weaken, and ultimately destroy our marriage. What I realize is that it is my time to stop trying to make you see, and really focus on seeing you. If I stand on the belief that we are actually invested in each other’s wellness, I can see you clearer. We actually want the same things—our own definitions of wellness, happiness, contentment. Making the most of the days we have on this earth. In that moment, I can let go of the struggle long enough to appreciate you as my life partner. In that moment, I know why we got married. The details of the argument matter less than the learning that comes from the battle.
The confusion and ongoing tension causes a type of unbalanced energy. Repair attempts fall flat. Going to bed is awkward with the tension between the two of you. The kids feel it. It’s hard on them too. Ugh—what a waste of the time that is supposed to be used to recharge us for the stress of the upcoming week. The outside world is threatening enough. The truth is, we need each other, because if we don’t have each others’ backs, who will? But, whatever the initial hurt or trigger, it happened. And, it was bad enough to thwart attempts at apologies or reasoning with the response of silence that is deafening. Ugh! The silence. Don’t you hate that? Finally, there’s a little crack in the stone wall. Too bad it’s at the end of the weekend. What a waste.
But, is it? What can we learn? Is there just the moving on from the war zone, or can I actually sort through the rubble to find out if there are any signs of life to salvage. Okay. If I re-approach this with you, can we talk about it to learn and not to pick sides of right and wrong again? Can we agree to do that? But, if you can’t do it, It doesn’t have to be up to you. I can take responsibility for MY side of things and look at it for myself.
What I can honestly say I learned from this last failed weekend is that when I’m lying in bed, feeling the tension and anger, there’s also some sadness there. I wish I could hold you, I wish you would just turn over and kiss me and we could enjoy each other from that point forward. I learned that even when I’m mad at you, I still love you. The reason it hurts under the anger is because I feel misunderstood and injured that you won’t just slide me some slack. Grant me some grace. Give me some benefit of the doubt. Then, we can start talking and get somewhere. But, what I’ve learned, is if you can’t do it for me, I think I can do it for you. What you’ve told me is that I’ve taught you things throughout our relationship. So, in this time of sorting through the rubble, I will prepare you for the next battle. I will share with you these thoughts in a moment where there isn’t the intensity of anger. A moment of more emotional calm than in the heat of the battle. I’ll give you the answer key ahead of the test so we can be better equipped for the next battle.
Here it is: When you’re angry with me, I will try to remind you that we still love each other. We may not agree on whatever we are hurt over, but we do still love each other. Through the anger and hurt, I will look at you through the eyes of someone that loves you. Then, I will be able to more freely grant you grace when we’re frustrated with life. Then, maybe we can be transported to the same side of the fence, rather than becoming the “bad neighbors” we hear about who get so crazy that they fling the dog poop back and forth over the fence to prove a point—flinging hurtful “one ups” back and forth to prove we’re “right.” I don’t ever MEAN to hurt you. And, for every moment that we stay bad neighbors, we choose to gradually undermine, weaken, and ultimately destroy our marriage. What I realize is that it is my time to stop trying to make you see, and really focus on seeing you. If I stand on the belief that we are actually invested in each other’s wellness, I can see you clearer. We actually want the same things—our own definitions of wellness, happiness, contentment. Making the most of the days we have on this earth. In that moment, I can let go of the struggle long enough to appreciate you as my life partner. In that moment, I know why we got married. The details of the argument matter less than the learning that comes from the battle.
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