In my experience, as a mental health professional, the holidays are such a contradictory time. The joy and anticipation of the happiest time of the year is jumbled up with the ending of another year of life along with the speeding train that hits many people who are dealing with traumatic memories and loss. This is also compounded exponentially with relationships that are marked by regret, lack of connection, guilt, unhealed wounds, and broken trust. The list of reasons for distancing in a family stretches longer as each day passes. Especially when there is no possibility of forgiveness.
When one partner is locked in the pain of not being able to move forward into forgiveness, the ability to improve or save the relationship is beyond reach. So often, past hurts are held onto so tightly, that even when the other person in the relationship is trying desperately to work on themselves and promote growth and change, the other person is in a state of self protective lock-down.
I call this living in IceLand. That’s what it feels like—a cold, comfortless place. There is no repair possible in IceLand. It is only fault finding, blaming, and reliving past offenses. Let me be clear…if someone has hurt their partner, they should be accountable. However, if they are trying to change themselves and show a level of remorse and desire to work to earn trust, the salvation of the relationship is only possible if the other person makes a step forward into a new definition of the relationship. This involves acknowledging effort, even in the face of hurt and fear of being disappointed. It doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t have to earn trust. Work to earn trust. Work DAMN HARD to earn trust. However, if the relationship has a hope of improving, the efforts of the people involved must at least be acknowledged. To be seen so they may gradually build positive regard. If the wall of past offenses is held as more of a reality than the current efforts toward change, than the relationship will not progress.
You can choose to live in IceLand. It may not seem like a choice. The reality is that it is. If there is a desire to save the relationship but there is no effort to allow the changes of the seasonal progression of spring to melt the ice, you will be like Superman in his polar retreat in the Superman movies—locked in your ice fortress alone and isolated.
When one partner is locked in the pain of not being able to move forward into forgiveness, the ability to improve or save the relationship is beyond reach. So often, past hurts are held onto so tightly, that even when the other person in the relationship is trying desperately to work on themselves and promote growth and change, the other person is in a state of self protective lock-down.
I call this living in IceLand. That’s what it feels like—a cold, comfortless place. There is no repair possible in IceLand. It is only fault finding, blaming, and reliving past offenses. Let me be clear…if someone has hurt their partner, they should be accountable. However, if they are trying to change themselves and show a level of remorse and desire to work to earn trust, the salvation of the relationship is only possible if the other person makes a step forward into a new definition of the relationship. This involves acknowledging effort, even in the face of hurt and fear of being disappointed. It doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t have to earn trust. Work to earn trust. Work DAMN HARD to earn trust. However, if the relationship has a hope of improving, the efforts of the people involved must at least be acknowledged. To be seen so they may gradually build positive regard. If the wall of past offenses is held as more of a reality than the current efforts toward change, than the relationship will not progress.
You can choose to live in IceLand. It may not seem like a choice. The reality is that it is. If there is a desire to save the relationship but there is no effort to allow the changes of the seasonal progression of spring to melt the ice, you will be like Superman in his polar retreat in the Superman movies—locked in your ice fortress alone and isolated.
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