Over the last week, the headlines have been dominated by tragedy. Very few of us have not contemplated the series of events involving a swimming star at a prestigious university and how his actions forever changed the life of a young woman that he raped behind a dumpster while she was unconscious. This is a story of a young woman who, over the course of a 12 page letter to her attacker, outlines how it has changed her life and, ultimately, the lives of everyone who learns of her story. Parents are using her letter to have “teachable moments” with their sons and daughters so they may learn how to respect human life as well as hopefully try to understand the dangers of such situations. I want to write a series on intimacy within a couple. My first offering is looking at how trauma impacts intimacy.
In her letter, the young survivor says “My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.“ What she refers to is her ability to no longer be silent and suffer with these losses that came from the trauma. The truth is, as I’ve worked in my field, there is a plethora of trauma that people go through while they are trying to live. So much childhood abuse. Both of male and female survivors. The abuse takes many forms: rape, promiscuity to feel loved, being used and tossed aside. Growing within the person a need to numb and dissociate. With trauma—sexual trauma—love and sex become difficult to put in the same category. Trust and vulnerability cease to organically reside in a sexually intimate relationship when trauma has carved out a hole in someone’s soul. Extreme pain, fear, shame, worthlessness are like a disease that eats away at the desire to heal. Sex is either objectified or avoided. The young survivor from the Stanford rape case so eloquently expresses how the intimacy of sex becomes impossible to feel "at one with" any longer.
The truth is, intimacy is a tricky enough dance to begin with in our day and age. Divorce is almost an expected part of marriage? Maybe that’s an unfair statement. Maybe it’s not? Maybe it’s not. Here’s the tip of the iceberg—even if a couple is not challenged by past trauma, the chasm between the intimacy needs of the differing genders is expansive enough. Huge generalizations, I know, but here’s what is usually seen in my experience of couples’ work. In a relationship, it seems men want physical closeness or sexual intimacy to feel the safety and connection to their partner to then become emotionally vulnerable. Women typically come from the polar opposite. If a woman feels she carries emotional value to her partner through his attentiveness and emotional connectivity, physical intimacy then grows. Chicken, egg, egg, chicken. Complete frustration if the balance spirals out of whack, which it definitely will. Pile on top of that delicate, fragile recipe for intimacy the wounds and scars of trauma. It creates a frenzied “bob and weave” like Ali and Frazier in the ring. Keep your guard up, otherwise you’ll get knocked out.
What will the young woman that was raped a year ago at a Stanford party do after being traumatized? She expressed it so well. She has already started. When she said that her rapist took her voice “until today,” referring to the losses that came with her trauma, she was giving a clue to the cure—that only a survivor can understand. Healing comes with your truth. Intimacy is built in a couple with transparency and acceptance. None of us leave this earth without trauma. However, in a relationship, trauma is not a wall unless we feel we need to hide. She chose not to hide. She is a hero, in my opinion. The courage to speak your truth, face your pain, heal your soul.
In her letter, the young survivor says “My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.“ What she refers to is her ability to no longer be silent and suffer with these losses that came from the trauma. The truth is, as I’ve worked in my field, there is a plethora of trauma that people go through while they are trying to live. So much childhood abuse. Both of male and female survivors. The abuse takes many forms: rape, promiscuity to feel loved, being used and tossed aside. Growing within the person a need to numb and dissociate. With trauma—sexual trauma—love and sex become difficult to put in the same category. Trust and vulnerability cease to organically reside in a sexually intimate relationship when trauma has carved out a hole in someone’s soul. Extreme pain, fear, shame, worthlessness are like a disease that eats away at the desire to heal. Sex is either objectified or avoided. The young survivor from the Stanford rape case so eloquently expresses how the intimacy of sex becomes impossible to feel "at one with" any longer.
The truth is, intimacy is a tricky enough dance to begin with in our day and age. Divorce is almost an expected part of marriage? Maybe that’s an unfair statement. Maybe it’s not? Maybe it’s not. Here’s the tip of the iceberg—even if a couple is not challenged by past trauma, the chasm between the intimacy needs of the differing genders is expansive enough. Huge generalizations, I know, but here’s what is usually seen in my experience of couples’ work. In a relationship, it seems men want physical closeness or sexual intimacy to feel the safety and connection to their partner to then become emotionally vulnerable. Women typically come from the polar opposite. If a woman feels she carries emotional value to her partner through his attentiveness and emotional connectivity, physical intimacy then grows. Chicken, egg, egg, chicken. Complete frustration if the balance spirals out of whack, which it definitely will. Pile on top of that delicate, fragile recipe for intimacy the wounds and scars of trauma. It creates a frenzied “bob and weave” like Ali and Frazier in the ring. Keep your guard up, otherwise you’ll get knocked out.
What will the young woman that was raped a year ago at a Stanford party do after being traumatized? She expressed it so well. She has already started. When she said that her rapist took her voice “until today,” referring to the losses that came with her trauma, she was giving a clue to the cure—that only a survivor can understand. Healing comes with your truth. Intimacy is built in a couple with transparency and acceptance. None of us leave this earth without trauma. However, in a relationship, trauma is not a wall unless we feel we need to hide. She chose not to hide. She is a hero, in my opinion. The courage to speak your truth, face your pain, heal your soul.
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